When I first woke up I felt good about calling off the plans... I’d agonized over the decision the night before, making a tearful call to a friend in the states the night before. Anxiety had overwhelmed me, and I felt relief having a decision made. However, as the morning progressed and I gazed at the landscape around me, I questioned it: why should I give up, when I was already here, when I was safe. By my reasoning, Nepal was a safe zone, there were no active cases, and I had been deep in another village before coming directly to the Annapurna region. My only potential exposure was the bus ride here and it was so unlikely.

Maybe we could go to the base camp before heading out. I looked at the map... it looked potentially achievable in three days round trip... we could hike at a fast clip heading back out and even just go to Tatopani where there could be some tourist transport, even if that meant sheltering in a hotel until it arrived. There was a potential incredible adventure ahead.

My mind was carrying a lot of stress. I really didn’t know what I wanted. This was unprecedented. If the world is shutting down there’s nowhere I’d rather be than in the middle of the most incredible mountains in the world, with temples, caves, and mystic sites to explore in every direction my feet could carry me, with an incredible friend who was able and willing to take me anywhere we decided to go. At the same time I didn’t want to jeopardize my ability to get home. I broke down crying more than once in the morning.

See the trail in the middle cutting a line through the hillsides? Such steep terrain.

Kavee walked down to the police checkpoint to ask for police clearance for me to walk back via Ghorepani and Ulleri. Unlike in the US, lockdown means lockdown in Nepal, and it is much more strongly enforced. The clearance meant we could walk the way back, so I could continue my time on foot and in the mountains before being restricted to whatever hotel I landed in when I got back to the city.

Later in the morning, the porter who had been here the night before arrived, because at some point in my indecision, we’d reached out to him again. He and Kavee talked at length about creating a route that does go to North Annapurna Base Camp before exiting. But when it was translated to me, it sounded like too much of a push: 40 km/day for a couple days, with potentially deep, unstable snow conditions... this was starting to sound sketchy. As much as my heart ached deep to the core to stay, I knew it was time to go. I didn’t want to force anything, or to do anything unsafe.

Upon making the final decision, I felt antsy in Narchyang, and suggested to Kavee that we leave for Paudwar for the afternoon. We quickly packed and hiked back along the canyon, in cool cloudy weather and misty rain, pausing down at the river to let it wash around me as I laid on the river rock... stopping to meditate on the suspension bridge... savoring each step.

Even as I edit my notes from this day, two months later, my heart breaks and my eyes tear up at the memory.